At this moment in my life I find myself without meaningful and intimate friendships.
I have a big yearning for friendliness and I always have.
But now I find myself feeling sad.
I notice my Gremlin comparing myself with others, looking at them and believing they have meaningful friendships and I don't.
I find myself making stories, such as, "I am already older. People around me have established relationships and don't need me as their friend." (Even though I am only twenty-one!)
Most of my 'friendships' seem to come from people needing something from me, like advice or motivation, and sometimes even healing. Once I saw this I stopped accepting it as friendship.
So now where am I?
My mind tells me the story that I will never have as close of a relationship to someone as I did with my best friend who passed away when I was sixteen. My Being does not believe this story and knows there is more to come. Yet I do question myself in wondering where and how I will be able to make conscious friendships.
I know there is essentially nothing others can do to help me gain what I am seeking. Change has to be done by me. I wanted to know if anyone else can relate to my situation at any point in their life, and what they did or what worked for them to bring a new kind of friendship into their life.
I can 100% relate. There was a period of about five years in my life during which I made no new friendships. In this same perios many of my existing friends went away.
My assumption during this time is that there was something very wrong with me.
I created a whole plan with a coach I had started working with at the time to try to make friends.
This plan included things like learning to introduce myself to people, inviting people out, 'putting myself out there' in different ways.
It was excruciatingly embarrassing, and none of it worked very well, I think because I had no idea how to be authentic.
Things turned around rapidly when I joined an authenticity group called TurnOn and began going to their weekly events and learning how to feel.
At any rate, yes, I can relate to your current circumstances and I remember it being painful, yet also useful in catalyzing inner and outer change for me.
Thank you for sharing
I have had similar thoughts for years, especially since I moved to the rural area where I live now.
I do meet people, but these connections never seem to evolve.
Mostly I think we have a lack of both time and space holding for authentic connection. Everyone is simply too busy with everyday survival chores.
I also have difficulty being authentically extroverted. Sharing my feelings has never been easy for me.
But now, since I found Possibility Management during summer 2020, I have found so many people (online) that want to hold space and want to learn the same things I want to learn.
It feels like I am among true friends here. This makes me very glad.
I can really feel with you! While I traveled I made many nice connections but they would easily disappear after a short while when I moved on. I felt like no one was really staying in my life, except my 'old' friends from back in my birth country.
Then my travel periods got longer and last year I moved to Sweden. I was here for more than a year without any friends at all (a love relationship happened though, which is broken by now).
The hardest time was this spring, alone in a cold house on the country side, no money, creeping Corona fears, and a big uncertainty, There was no one to meet personally, and even hugs were forbidden...
Since then I magically met some people both online and offline and with several I could directly built a heart connection and deep sharing spaces. Without the usual shallow small talk.
I think after being in this place of loneliness for so long without friends, I appreciate and value deep friendship and connection much more. I experience the value in this!
Yet I still feel fear sometimes that my 'new friends' could suddenly disappear again. My deepest connections with active sharing now are just a couple of weeks/months old.